For most of us we would say "yes, I have a "backbone!" But really do you? I didn't have one growing up and some days I still don't. I am just now learning to have boundaries. At 54 I am just now starting to come out of the fog and I am getting some clarity on why I chose to be a "yes" girl. I think part of it for me was early conditioning to always do what you are told and ask no questions.
I was raised in the south where you did not talk back, you did not have an outburst, and you did not ask questions. Whatever was asked of me I just did. I was conditioned to do constant chores and this reason is partly why I believe I developed adult ADHD.
Becoming the matriarch at age 19 changed my life more than I realized and I never recognized that I had no boundaries. I just realized starting this website and dissecting my tendencies that I never said NO! I did so much for my parents and others that I basically alleviated their responsibilities of adulting because it was just easier for me to do instead of ask for help. Why could I just not say no?
Looking back, I never wanted to disappoint! Of course, this behavior and mindset is totally unrealistic because it is impossible to go through life without experiencing disappointment in ourselves and others. We are all human and I had set high expectations for myself because I never wanted to let my parents down. I did not realize the disservice I did to myself and others because I lacked "backbone." This realization is a tough pill to swallow. I am now trying to repair years of mental and physical demands that I allowed to be placed on me.
I am just now waking up and starting to focus on my life and self care. By reflecting on my upbringing, I am just starting to uncover myself at 54 years old.
I realize that I did not have a chance to really find myself. I have missed out on developing into my own person. At the core, I do have a "backbone." I have started to find my strength at 54 and I am starting to implement some changes. Here is what that looks like for me and I know there are many other women out there who feel the same.
Here are my strategies for bettering myself:
1)People Pleasing.....I’m talking about doing more than your fair share in relationships, friendships or work. It’s easier to just do things ourselves before asking for help. Sometimes, we don’t speak up and we wall off our feelings to keep the peace. Women take on more of the mental load than men resulting in we become bitter and resentful. If you don’t give someone room to take more on, whether it’s household chores or planning a date night, they won’t. However, I wasn't always successful with the husband at the time because he would take a week or better to accomplish the task or he would just conveniently forget. This behavior ladies is a sign of disrespect!
Work on saying no. Work on your boundaries. Choose one or two priorities and focus on making a change. Seek out support from friends and family who will hold you accountable to your goals. Be consistent in your actions. Evaluate and Adjust boundaries as needed. Flexibility maintains mental healthiness.
Another big problem in my life! Guilt is practically ingrained in many of us. The only way to get off this horrible hamster wheel in your head is to block out that voice that perpetually keeps showing up. I know you know what I’m talking about. I struggle mentally and spiritually. I give Guilt way too much energy! I am slowly learning to accept it and treat myself better. Very hard to do some days! It's easier to fall back into old habits. Meditate and Prayer can be very beneficial helping you to let go of the past.
I would really like to just do something for me but I would tell myself I needed to wash clothes, fix dinner or clean the house. I’d want to go to lunch with a friend but tell myself I shouldn’t spend the money. I’d feel like wearing a certain outfit, then ask myself what is the point because I wasn’t going anywhere. Doing things to please and care for myself was always last on the list. I realized how fast my life had gone by and how much more I could have enjoyed it had I allowed myself some forgiveness and done my favorite things. It's time to put the laundry aside and enjoy!
Go for a walk alone, catch up on reading, get back to a hobby that was once lost. Do something just for YOU and YOU ONLY!
4)Not Addressing my mental, physical, or spiritual health. Working when I was sick, putting off therapy when I knew I needed it, and not cutting the cord to toxic relationships. I think this is why my anxiety became worse which led to adrenal fatigue. I am now slowly taking time for myself. I sometimes ground or walk for 10 minutes to clear my head. I unplug from my phone off and on throughout the day. I read more. I pick wildflowers as I reconnect with nature. Whatever your joy is I encourage you to do it!
5)Speaking up for Yourself and Others. Fortunately, this one comes natural to me. I have not always been able to speak up. It has just been in the past few years I had to learn to be an advocate for myself and others. This developed when my grandmother and mother started having signs of dementia. Their dementia was a rapid onset to where I had to be their voice. I encourage you ladies find your voice and be strong, you deserve respect!
My list will look different from yours but I hope this provides you with some encouragement to start making small changes for yourself. My biggest takeaway as I continue my journey is that your happiness and peace does not come from doing or getting something. It comes when you stop doing things that don’t make you feel like your best self. I encourage you to work on finding your Best self! I have confidence in you.
Until next time.........
*I am an avid reader and I do believe in self help. I have placed links for books that may provide more insight with daily struggles throughout this blog.
Also, check out my other blogs for links to what supplements, books, journals, and fitness related items I use to help with my mental, physical and spiritual health. Take care!
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